Working Through Social Anxiety: 10 Tips for Healing the Fear of Judgment
As anxiety can come in handy for resolving others’ conflicts, it can go unnoticed that you, too, need support.
Time to Read: 11 min
You know that SpongeBob meme where all the little SpongeBobs are running around in his brain trying to figure out what his name is? And they're frantically searching all the file cabinets for his name? That's what social anxiety can be and feel like. For some, social anxiety feels like the elephant in the room. It can be hard to push past the lump in your throat or the chaos in your brain to take practical steps to work through it as best as you can.
The Rollercoaster of Anxiety
The roller coaster of anxiety typically leads to depression—the spiraling, the crash—it may be a sudden onset or a consistent baseline for you. Whenever the terrible two arrive, they can manifest in different ways and require responses that best fit the trigger. Because they can’t be seen and aren’t expressed the same way across the board, some people may not believe you struggle with anxiety and depression, especially if you’ve established strong coping skills. This is the stigma that comes with invisible illnesses.
Invisible illnesses open the door to an array of perceptions, shaping what others think you are or aren’t capable of. For example, people close to you may think you can handle way more than you can, that you have it all together, or that you know all the answers because your anxiety takes over to plan for the worst. Depending on how anxiety presents or is masked, this may lead others to assume you don’t need help if they don’t take the time to get to know more about invisible illnesses.
As anxiety can come in handy for resolving others’ conflicts, it can go unnoticed that you, too, need support. If you’re also an introvert, it's not unusual that others will take anxiety or social anxiety personally. They may assume you don't want to talk to them because you think you’re better than them. When internally, the truth is that your mind is hyperactive, busy spiraling, catastrophizing, overanalyzing, and self-criticizing. It can be exhausting to explain to those who don’t believe mental health struggles are real, much less visualize or contextualize them, that what you experience is social anxiety. Oftentimes, social anxiety stems from being judged early in life which leads to fear of saying the “wrong” thing and feeling immense shame, judgment, or embarrassment as a result. “Wrong” could be as simple as saying something that could be misunderstood, unintentionally hurtful, or perceived as unintelligent. Simply put, social anxiety is a trauma response.
Words of Encouragement
For anyone dealing with the rollercoaster of anxiety, social anxiety, and depression, just know that however it shows up for you, your experience is valid. If you are part of a community or family system, family structure, or even a work environment that doesn't get it, know that you deserve genuine support. You are so strong and brave for being your own advocate in these types of environments. Continue showing up for yourself, doing the work, and loving yourself through it. Consult with professionals and build a strong support system so you receive the support you deserve. As you do that, here are some tips for working through anxiety and social anxiety at a reasonable pace:
1. Find Your Motivation
Social anxiety can present some major blockages to your growth. You may feel like you’re stuck or burdened with a lifelong challenge. Before you start pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, it’s important to identify your motivation for doing so. Ask yourself:
Do you want to be more open in conversation with others?
Do you feel like social anxiety has become a crutch?
Do you want to stop feeling powerless or fearful?
Do you want to make friends?
Do you want to relate to others more?
Do you want to form healthy relationships?
Do you want to have more engaging experiences?
Do you want to build a strong support system?
If you don’t challenge yourself, social anxiety can take over your life in subtle ways. You could find yourself living in regret and isolation, which can feel debilitating and dysfunctional. It’s not something you, “get over,” after all because it’s an invisible illness, and it doesn’t work that way. You can’t just wake up one day and say, “I have no anxiety, no depression, no social anxiety.” However, figuring out why you want to connect with others and find resources to lead an empowering, functional life doesn't hurt.
2. Know Your Options
Social anxiety can be triggered in a number of ways, so you may find that meeting with professionals results in various homework assignments like going on a coffee date with someone you want to be friends with. You may explore different options like medication, light therapy, and lavender supplements. Or, you may find ways to practice having light-hearted conversations in a way that makes sense to you—almost like exposure therapy. Knowing your options can make working through social anxiety more like exercising a muscle. Once you know what tools are available, you can lean on your strengths to confidently build that muscle and flex it more.
Whatever you choose to do, make sure it feels realistic, manageable, and not at all overwhelming. Just like you can’t wake up one day and “get over” social anxiety, it won’t be healed or become less taxing overnight either. Take your time. Work through it slowly, but steadily.
3. Do Practice Runs
Start out by creating scripts for yourself or brainstorming go-to phrases and questions, adapting them to the situations you find yourself in. For example, if you want to start livestreaming, script out your content and practice with private livestreams so you get comfortable with the idea of being on camera and speaking directly to an audience. As you gain confidence, you can shift from scripting to jotting down bullet points and speaking more off-the-cuff without being hyper-fixated on what you might say next or worrying about stumbling over your words. If you work in communications, marketing, or writing and struggle with social anxiety, do private practice sessions of pitches, presentations, and workshops first. There’s no guarantee your brain won’t freak out when you’re actually in presenter mode, but at least you have some sort of “muscle memory” to rely on in the moment.
4. Start Small
As you work your way up the ladder, challenge yourself to say one thing to someone new. It can be so debilitating just to think about saying “hi” to somebody as a chronic worrier. You might bury yourself in your phone or not want to speak to anyone because the symptoms that come with social anxiety are real: sweaty palms, racing heart, lump in your throat, sometimes watery eyes, or even pressure in your shoulders or chest. A lot can be happening physically, so it can help to break down the big scary giant that is social anxiety into digestible action steps. For example, if you get a coffee every morning at your local coffee shop, challenge yourself to compliment the quick bites they offer or ask the barista about their favorite menu item.
Even something light, like asking someone how their day is going, can be helpful to get out of your head. Once you get through that initial hurdle, you can move on to challenging yourself to carry the conversation.
5. Flow with the Conversation
People love talking about themselves, so asking questions about the other person can relieve some of those physical panic symptoms as the other person takes center stage. As someone who has used this to spark conversation, it’s a hack that actually works! This is where you’ll want to build on the previous tip of starting small. Once you feel comfortable doing more, challenge yourself to keep the conversation going by asking questions or finding commonalities to relate to the other person. Don’t let the conversation trail off or die, essentially.
Flowing with the conversation is an exercise of self-trust; in the end, you’ll be able to trust that you can navigate interactions and ask questions while remaining engaged and emotionally regulated. Being curious, open, and authentic during conversation can help you cope with social anxiety long enough to experience rewarding breakthroughs.
6. Dare to Be Seen
Social anxiety can also come with the fear of being seen, so you’ll want to (gently) throw yourself into situations that force you to confront your social fears. For example, try taking on gigs that require you to talk to multiple people every day, embody more leadership responsibility, or be the only subject matter expert. This is especially important if you prefer support roles where you can be more behind-the-scenes and not too forward-facing. Seek opportunities to break out of that comfort zone and any imposter syndrome that may accompany your fears. Doing so builds confidence and adds to your overall “muscle memory.” You’ll either master whatever you throw yourself into, be able to point people in the right direction, or secure a new talking point for future conversations.
7. Get Outside
If you are more introverted, you may have to force yourself to be more extroverted to survive in this big, capitalist world. You may prefer a comfy night in over exploring the town with friends, and it may be too anxiety-inducing to go out on your own. However, solo adventures have a lot to offer, especially if you treat them like self-care dates.
For example, make plans to test out that new restaurant in your neighborhood by yourself. When you do, you may notice that going out on your own forces you to confidently introduce yourself, speak up for yourself, and be more assertive when needed. It presents chances to mingle and practice what you’ve been learning (or unlearning) without having a “safe” person to buffer or speak for you. Where you may have been forced to flex as an introverted extrovert, it'll become more authentic without that forced speaking voice—you know, the one we all have when ordering through a drive-through. You can start dropping your mask, even if certain things are unexpected or can feel a little challenging. You’ll also get more comfortable being in public spaces to continue working through social anxiety.
8. Make Your Hobbies Social
Put your social skills to the text by trying them out in spaces you already like or feel comfortable with like museums, art shows, zoos, or painting classes. If finances are tight, take advantage of free virtual and in-person events in your area. Although another baby step, this will help you break down the walls you might’ve built up in your mind around socializing and being a “social” person. Because you’ll be socializing in settings that interest you, you can feel more at ease speaking without the intimidation of being in an unfamiliar environment. You’ll feel safe enough to go with the flow and connect with others in the moment. You can even invite your friends to join you as you become more confident, adding another element to flexing your social “muscle memory.”
9. Keep Exercising Your Social Muscles
Don’t stop at the first eight tips. Continue learning how to expand your social toolkit. Shed those unkind, critical thoughts of:
"I don’t want to mess this up."
"I want everything to be perfect."
“Where do I fit in in this conversation?"
"What’s a good time for me to interject?"
When in doubt, practice deep breathing to break these thought patterns. Sometimes, it helps to tell the other person you experience anxiety and ask them to be patient with you. People respect that kind of honesty, and they even might be able to relate to you or share the same vulnerability. As long as you keep throwing yourself into situations that force you to confront the blockages you may experience, you’ll be able to form stronger relationships.
10. Say Affirmations
Working through social anxiety is rewarding, even though it’s not for the faint of heart. If you struggle with it, affirmations can round out your toolkit in addition to establishing a good care team. When it feels appropriate to do so, dig deeper to understand the root cause of the social fears you experience. Affirm that you’re working through, conquering, and releasing them. If you feel panicky as you’re connecting, breathe and validate yourself. Say affirmations like:
I am receptive in social spaces
I remain flexible in social settings
I am honest and trusting when connecting with others
I release negative thought patterns
I release unhealthy ways of communicating
I express myself in healthy, self-assuring ways
Ask the universe to remove the blocks or barriers to socializing with others so you can enjoy life to the fullest. Work through these blockages consciously and responsibly while saving and holding space for yourself. You’ll feel raw, exposed, and question yourself at times. When that happens, lean into your muscle memory, affirmations, and your inner circle. It won’t be easy to buck the narratives in your mind about socializing or letting others in, but getting to the other side of taking your power back and feeling fulfilled is worth it.
If you don’t know where to start, here are some affirmations to try:
As you continue to work through social anxiety, know that you’ll find your people. You’ll find your voice, support system, and the process that works best for you. So, don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself or tear down walls to have fulfilling breakthroughs. Years later, you’ll be so proud of yourself and amazed by your courage when you see how far you’ve come. You might still have moments where you feel like that Spongebob anxiety meme creeps in, but it won’t be as often and you’ll know exactly what to do.